When I Still Knew You
by alder3049
Summary: Why did he leave her? And will she ever want him back? *Sophitz* Chapter 1/possible future chapters inspired by Project Moonlark's "Give Me A Reason"
1. Message Not Sent

_Imparter 00126974 Owner: Vacker_Avery_Fitzroy_

 _Send to: Imparter 33498127 Owner: Foster_Elizabeth_Sophie_

 _Time/Date:06/11/22 22:14:16_

 _Sophie-_

 _I know what I did was stupid. But things can be rearranged, can't they? I still love you, and I hope you still love me. I'll be in Eternalia soon for my graduation. Maybe the councillors will let me visit Exillium?_

 _I still want you. But are you ready?_

* * *

 ** _ERROR 734: MESSAGE NOT SENT_**


	2. Sophie Elizabeth Foster, Unworthy

She's sitting in the Ambi Exillium tent, her shoulders splashed with purple, alert and ready.

Once again, her face is hidden by a silver mask and her head is hidden by a black hood. She must be sweltering in the June air, but she doesn't move a muscle, even when an unsuspecting fly lands on her arm.

She's not supposed to be here, and yet the five pins on her cloak prove she's a student.

A rope of blonde, wavy hair is escaping the hood, and her chocolate-brown eyes dart from here to there under the steampunk-y mask.

The instructor's voice fades away, and she claps her hands to signal lunch.

Sophie Foster moves to the front of the line, selecting a pink, spiky fruit and sitting by herself a little ways off from the other Unworthies. She's grown in these years while Banished, turning from a girl into a young woman. Contrary to what the Exillium leaders would want, she throws back her hood, and her long blonde hair cascades almost to her waist. She keeps the mask on, however, to avoid the stares. People can still see the ropy white scar that runs from her collarbone to her hairline, over her eyelid, though, a fact that she hates. Independence does not mean she doesn't feel emotion. There are plenty of other scars, some self-inflicted, but it's this one that makes her self-conscious. The way people glance at the white line in her iris before looking at the ground. The way they think she wants their sorrow.

Her Imparter beeps from somewhere inside her chained vest, and she takes her time getting it out, before glancing at the screen with her good eye. _118 Unread Messages from Vacker_Avery_Fitzroy._ She's about to bury the Imparter in chains again when she sees the latest message.

And abandoning her fruit, she runs and jumps off the bluffs she's next to, ripping a hole in the sky and disappearing.


	3. Message 119: Sent & Read Confirmation

_Imparter 00126974 Owner: Vacker_Avery_Fitzroy_

 _Send to: Imparter 33498127 Owner: Foster_Elizabeth_Sophie_

 _Time/Date: 14/11/22 22:13:41_

 _Sophie-_

 _They know. The Neverseen know everything._

 _It'll all go over at my graduation._

 _Remember when you were the moonlark? When you were respected and the Black Swan had our backs and you weren't Exiled? When you hadn't cut yourself off for years? We need that Sophie now. We need Sophie Elizabeth Foster. I know you haven't used that name in half a decade._

 _I know it's not going to happen smoothly._

 _But Sophie._

 _We need you._

 _Sophie Elizabeth Foster, I need you._


	4. And He Kisses Her

There she is. She looks jittery and out of place with her shabby Exillium uniform, the ropes of beads that go six times around her neck and still stretch to her belly button. Her hair is longer, much longer, and one of her eyes has a white line that matches the scar across her face and down her neck. She holds herself a different way, and she's taller, more domineering. She doesn't have a Registry Pendant or allergy medication or Fade Fuel or the Sucker Punch or her Panic Switch-or, Fitz notices with a pang, her Cognate rings-but under the ropes of Exillium beads is the string Keefe painted for her, the flowers dirty and faded.

She strides up to Fitz, knee-high boots click-clacking along the stone street. She seems out of place in the glittering capital, too dirty and real. Dried blood is stuck to one cheek, and Fitz finds himself watching her every move. She's escalated from small, unknowing twelve-year-old Sophie Foster to a tall, experienced, independent, strong, nameless seventeen-year-old, and she stops a few inches short of him, him in his jewels and silver, and he suddenly feels too out of place displaying so much wealth when she doesn't even have a birth fund anymore and will never get to graduate Foxfire. Her forehead is in line with his chin, and she pokes him in the chest with her pointer finger as she delivers blows. There's a tattoo on the back of her left hand, a boldly illustrated Lodestar on a vine that disappears up her sleeve. Being outside all this time has revealed freckles across the bridge of her nose and bleached her hair a shade lighter. "Five-years-alone-finally-you tell me-the Neverseen-are attacking-and they're nowhere-to-be-found!" She looks up at him, glaring, her eyes molten chocolate and caramel and topaz, and he can't stop himself.

He puts his hands on her shoulders, and, trying to fill it with all the pain he's gone through not having her here, all the Cognate excersizes he's done alone, waiting for her, all the Imparter messages she hasn't answered, all the pain and glory and trust he feels every time he remembers a moment with Sophie Elizabeth Foster,

Kisses her.


	5. Again

_Imparter 00126974 Owner: Vacker_Avery_Fitzroy_

 _Send to: Imparter 33498127 Owner: Foster_Elizabeth _Sophie_

 _Time/Date: 14/11/22 22:17:29_

 _Can't we just start again?_


	6. Instead Of Five

**my cooking skills...**

 **ok so while I was writing this I was hungry, so I went and got some leftover chili. But I'm not allowed to use the microwave (long story that involves fire) and so I was eating my cold chili. But the water was also turned off in our kitchen, so there I was in my backyard on my phone, eating cold chili and drinking water out of the hose. Sadness...;)**

She sat in the very back of the building, back pressed against the wall, but still drew plenty of attention. Sophie Elizabeth Foster, Unworthy, coming to see her former boyfriend graduate? The whispers spread like wildfire, with plenty of glances at her scar, the place where a registry pendant would be, the dagger strapped to her hip that she could throw with deadly accuracy. Up at the front, Magnate Leto stood on a podium in front of fifty or so students in silver robes, each wearing a jewelled unicorn pendant hanging from a long chain. Behind them were students dressed in gold, among whom she could see Biana and Dex. She should have been there with them.

The first name was called, an 'Agrentin, Miella.' Miella, a tall girl with closely cropped dark hair, walked up to the podium with a look of success on her face, footsteps echoing in the silent hall. In front of Magnate Leto, she bent her head, permitting him to remove the unicorn pendant. With a flourish, she rolled up her long silver sleeves as he stepped back, leaving her standing in front of a stone basin. She calmly took a bar of black soap and washed he hands with it. Then she repeated with al the Levels' colours (black, blue, brown, green, red, white, gold and silver) finally finishing with an orange bar stamped with the Foxfire crest. Then she refilled the stone basin, lined up the bars of soap, dried her hands, and stood once again before Magnate Leto. He gave a short speech, then drew an orange cape around her shoulders and pierced the filmy fabric with a Foxfire pin. Miella bowed to him, the crowd, and then walked stiffly straight out of the building. The same happened to the next person and the next, each graduating silently, until Fitz's name was called. When he rose to the podium, bowing his dark head, the hall rang out with gasps and several pointed stares at Sophie. Fitz ignored them, however, and moved almost robotically through the motions, until he walked down the long hall, and, instead of striding out into the sunshine, sat next to Sophie. She shrunk away from him. He wasn't supposed to be part of her anymore, and all he did was make her uncomfortable. Soon enough, Keefe joined them, along with Biana and Dex, each wearing a filmy silver half cape and had traded their gold falcon pendants for unicorn ones.

Sophie knew they were trying to make a gesture, but it wasn't working.

She felt out of place, the only one in black amongst her silver-and-gold former friends, and she could see Alden and Della and Grady and Edaline in the crowd, looking at her, trying to speak with their eyes.

Her one escape was when six Neverseen members dropped from the ceiling.

Fitz and Biana and Dex and Keefe were standing up, readying themselves, but Foxfire hadn't told them what to do. They were clumsy and slow, whereas she was already on her toes, dagger drawn, eyed narrowed.

Fitz was trying to join hands, join Cognate powers, but she didn't want to. She didn't need a partner anymore. She was stronger without them, any of them. She was on her own. Four had graduated instead of five today.

And that meant she had to play dirty.

She dropped the dagger, kicking it away under a chair. Biana was going out to get it, but Sophie's arms were already out, eyes closed, stretching out her counciosness. The Lodestar tattoo glowed, racing through her veins with a mad surge of power.

The Neverseen members dropped to the ground.

And as she glanced at Fitz one last time, she realized what she should have remembered. What she had known from the start.

And so she ran. Away from the sparkling buildings, the prying eyes, the enemies. She ran as fast as she could, as hard as she could.

Hoping Fitz couldn't see her tears.


	7. Imparter Message Unread

_Imparter 00126974 Owner: Vacker_Avery_Fitzroy_

 _Send to: Imaprter 33498127 Owner: Foster_Elizabeth_Sophie_

 _Time/Date: 14/11/22 22:17:29_

 _Do you still want me?_


	8. Cry, Cry, Cry

Sophie collapsed at the tideline of a wide bay. She hadn't realized how long the graduation had taken: the sun, firey orange, was setting over the ocean. Her Exillium uniform was doused in wet sand, caked with mud from the lessons that seemed like a lifetime ago. She cupped her knees to her chest, burying her head in her shoulders as the waves soaked the coarse black fabric. She hadn't rallied that kind of power in years: not since Coach Rohanna had taught her to fend for herself when she'd first escaped. Her imparter beeped and she pulled it out of her pocket, barely glancing at the flashing screen with her underscored name before pitching it into the iron-coloured surf.

 _Sophie Elizabeth Foster._

It was a name she hadn't heard in years, had almost forgotten about. Like she'd forgotten about Fitz saying it. His face surfaced, sparkling teal eyes, tanned skin, dark, silky hair, confused. Like she'd ever be able to return to Fitz.

She didn't know how long she sat there, but the moon had come out over the sickle-shaped bay and the sea had turned inky-black when she heard the sand being churned.

"Sophie?"

She looked up, madly trying to rub away the tears still on her face, to Fitz. He was still wearing his graduation uniform, silver gleaming in the moonlight, only obscured by the orange cape. "We've been looking for you." He walked up to the edge of the surf and pulled something silver out of the sand. Her Imparter

She buried her head again as he sat down next to her, but she couldn't help leaning into his warm body and letting him wrap his arms around her. He slipped the silver square into the top of her boot.

"Why did you leave?"

The question startled her. She was Unworthy, as good as Talentless, banished. All those years ago, she'd thought she wasn't wanted. He hadn't stopped them from taking her away.

"Why would you still want me?"

He hugged her tighter, pulling the black cloak off and replacing it with his dry, orange cape.

"I never stopped wanting you, Sophie."  
It wasn't what she had expected. She wasn't supposed to let her guard down. It was illegal for her to still love Fitz. But at the moment, she didn't care. She leaned against him and sobbed, as the moon moved across the sky, painting it different shades of deep, dark blue.

Crying for all the people who didn't understand.

Crying for the one person who did.

Crying for all she didn't understand.

Crying for the life she hadn't needed to leave behind.

Crying for the person she used to be.

Crying for the person she had become.

Crying for Sophie Elizabeth Foster.

Who she wanted to be again.

Cry, cry, cry.


	9. Fix All The Problems

**I don't know about this. This chapter may be taken down. Please comment your ideas about it.**

There was a note. A note buried in the pocket of Fitz's cape, a note Sophie found after he left.

 _I wonder what it would feel like to die._

 _Would all my sadness go away?_

 _Yes._

 _I'd be dead._

 _Would anyone care?_

 _Maybe I should kill myself._

 _Fix all the problems that started with me._


	10. Maybe You Should Leave

_Maybe I should kill myself._

The words rang in Sophie's ears, even though no one had spoken them. She was still lying on the beach, but the tide had gone out, exposing a flat stretch of wet packed sand that shimmered in the summer sun.

 _Maybe I should kill myself._

She stood up, unclasping the cape and letting it drop to the sand, replacing it with her freezing salty black one. She slipped her mask back on, pulled her hood over her ears, and crouched on the beach, taking a moment to collect herself. Why did he write that note? Was it even him? Silently, she slipped her waterlogged Imparter out of her boot and, for the first time in years, slid the screen to an open message page.

 _Why did you do this?_

She hesitated before pressing _Send,_ examining the message on the cracked screen. Five words. It wasn't enough to voice everything she felt, all the hurt he'd just caused. If Keefe was here, he'd feel an avalanche of emotions.

 _Send._

She stood up, brushing sand from her uniform. Sitting in the Ambis tent felt like years ago, after everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours. All the training. Hopefully, she wouldn't have to use it.

She took off running in the dawn light, banishing the shivers that racked her body. She didn't have any leaping crystals, but Everglen wasn't that far away. Running stretched her taught muscles, got rid of the heavy feeling in her stomach. She'd buried the note in the pocket of her cloak, hoping the sopping fabric wouldn't make the ink run. Panting, she approached the glowing gates.

"Fitz!"

They were open, and she shot through, not particularly caring if Alden or Della or Biana saw her. She raced up the stairs, up to Fitz's bedroom, and shoved open the door.

He was standing next to the open window, pen in hand, a piece of paper stretched between his thumb and pinky. He looked so serene, it was hard to see the boy who'd written the suicide note.

"Fitz."

He turned at the sound of her voice, obviously startled. "Sophie! Um, what are you doing here? Isn't Exillium taking classes today?"

She felt like crying. He was so oblivious to everything she knew.

"Yes. But—I found _this_ in your cape." She brandished his note. His face went slack.

"Sophie, you weren't supposed to—"

"Then who was?"

His pale face filled with red. "That's not the point. You don't understand."  
"Yes I do! _Maybe I should kill myself?_ Do you know what that would _do_ to Alden and Della? Biana?"

"They don't care."

"Of course they do!"

"You haven't seen me in half a decade, Sophie. Things have changed."

"What, like being suicidal? All of our friends—Keefe—do you know what you would do to _me?"_

"I don't matter anymore."  
He turned to the window.

"Maybe you should leave. There's a leaping crystal on the cabinet."

Tears streaking down her face, she pulled the crystal and its long cord from the cabinet.

"Please don't do this, Fitz."


	11. You're A Danger To Yourself

Sophie glanced at the cracked, scratched screen before typing in her message.

 _You're a danger to yourself, Fitz._

 _Let me help you._

 _I want to be Sophie Foster again._

 _But you're the only one who can show me the way._


	12. Bloody Knuckles

Fitz had missed her. He had missed her with a crippling pain, a pain he hadn't wanted to share with anyone. Even the slightest hint toward her—the laughter in Dex's eyes that mirrored hers so well, a sparkle of blonde hair that caught in the sun, the way a book bag swung or a locker slammed or a voice echoed through the halls at Foxfire—had crippled him with grief. _Why had they taken her away? His Sophie?_ And so he'd turned inward, letting his feelings do the dirty work for him, letting himself rot from the inside out.

Even his friends had noticed a change about him—the way he didn't speak to anyone anymore, didn't smile, sat by himself doing his work quietly, escaping to the dorm that Alden had convinced the headmaster to let him have to himself. The way he no longer cared about his hair or what he wore, the way his teal eyes had lost their happy sparkle. _Yes. I know I'm different. Should I apply to the freakshow?_

All he'd wanted was to have his Sophie back—his Sophie Foster. Let him see the freckles dusted over her nose, the curl of hair that she brushed out of her face, the way she scrunched up her brows when she was confused. Humans called it depression, and he thought the name fit what he felt perfectly—an indent in his chest, like someone had come around with a scalpel and scooped out the happiness. That moment when he'd seen her outside had brought all the feelings tumbling back, like numbing had worn off. The way she combed her fingers through her hair—the way she crossed her legs at the ankles—the way she curled her arms in to her shoulders, like she was trying to warm herself. The moment had gotten away from him, and he hated himself for it—hated that he'd taken advantage of what _he'd_ felt, and not even caring what she thought.

And that note—the note that he'd ripped out of his schoolbook when he'd given it to his Master to mark. He'd stuffed it in his pocket, unaware that anyone might find it. And then he'd draped that cape around Sophie. She had looked so cold at the time—so cold and little and insignificant, dressed all in black, that horrible mask hiding her face, curled at the edge of the water. Again, the moment had gotten away from him, and he'd forgotten that he'd regret it. And when Sophie came by, he'd treated her like he treated everybody; cold and harsh. The look of pain was so much worse in her than in Alder or Della or Biana, the slump to her shoulders, the ice in her chocolate eyes—for she'd bounced back, giving him what he'd given her after so many long stares and sad faces and shaking heads from his family members. _Don't take Fitz too seriously. He's a lost cause._ That was why he'd loved her. The spunk, the backtalk, treating him like he was a real person instead of an invalid. _His mind works differently after losing Sophie. He doesn't know when it's too much._ The words came swimming back to him, a tide of sentences meant for Biana, Keefe, Dex, Tam, Linh, all the people he'd hurt. In a burst of anger, he punched the wall beside his bed, yelping in pain when all the stone wall gave him was bloody knuckles. He cradled his left hand, swearing under his breath, then turning to the window he'd been contemplating.

 _To jump?_

 _Or not to jump?_

 _No one cares anymore._

 _He was flattened, people will say. Fitzroy Pancake Vacker._ He laughed coldly.

 _To jump?_

 _Or not to jump?_


	13. No One Understands

_Imparter 00126974 Owner: Vacker_Avery_Fitzroy_

 _Send to: Imaprter 33498127 Owner: Foster_Elizabeth_Sophie_

 _Time/Date: 14/11/22 22:17:29_

 _Don't you get it?_

 _I want to be near you._

 _But all I do is hurt you._

 _And no one else understands._


	14. As Long As It Takes

The leaping crystal, one-sided and glittering blue, leapt Sophie to Dex's house. _Rimeshire._ It had been years since she'd been here, and she still didn't want to think about anything in that time period. _I thought then was bad. It's nothing compared to now._ Shaking, she collapsed on the ground, letting tears freeze to her cloak in the icy air. What had Fitz meant by that note? What did he want? Why had this happened? She curled in to the fetal position on the snowy ground, letting the wind bite at her wet cheeks. _How long can I lay here before someone finds me?_ Probably not long, since her loud sobs echoed around the clearing.

She was forced back in to consciousness a while later, too cold to register much except that someone was shaking her. She pried her eyelids open, for they had been sealed together with frost and tears, and squinted into the snowy sky. Kesler's worried face was above hers, and as she watched, he scooped her up like she weighed nothing and carried her toward the house. She shivered in his arms, licking her frostbitten lips. It was so cold. She felt nearly comatose, her eyelids drooping shut as he ran, the last thing she heard his yells.

"Dex! Juline! Come help! It's Sophie!"

She awoke some hours later, her vision swimming in and out in blurry hazes. She was wearing blue-striped pajamas, several sizes too large, and she was in a warm bed. She could hear pages flipping, and she raised her head above the fluffy blankets.

Dex was sitting across the room, next to a tray of steaming food, reading a book with black symbols on the cover. He looked up when she stirred, setting his book aside.

"Hi."

It had all come back to her now: Fitz, the light-leaping, collapsing, Kesler carrying her inside. Her face flamed red and she wanted nothing but to burrow back under the sheets, but she sat up, curling her knees to her chest, and looked at her hands, pinching them to make sure they weren't still frostbitten.

"You should drink something."

He handed her a steaming mug and she drained it, burning her tongue in the process.

"Thanks. And Dex, I have a question."

"What?"

"What do you know about Fitz?"

Dex ran his hand through his hair. "Wonderboy?"

"Dex, please."

He grinned at her, tugging on the ends of his hair. "He's been…well… _different_ since you were taken. Quieter. He cuts himself off more, spends more time alone. No one really seems all that worried about him. What is it?"  
She must have paled. "Do you have my clothes?"  
"Sure."  
He handed her a wet, cold pile of black. "My mom hasn't washed them yet. Sorry."

"No, it's fine."

She stuffed her hands in all of the pockets, finally coming up with her scrap of paper. "I was…cold the other day, Graduation day, and he gave me his cape. This was in it." She held it out to him, and he grabbed the note.

His face drained of colour as he read.

"And he wrote this? Sophie, you have to talk to him."

She put her head on her knees. "He doesn't listen to anyone. Not me, not Biana or Alden or Della. He really thinks this, Dex. I don't know how to stop him."

"Give me the full story."  
She looked up at him. "There isn't really one. I ran away at graduation, he came, he gave me his cloak, he left, I found the note, I went to his house, he yelled at me, he told me to take the crystal on the cabinet, it leaped me here."

"That's not much to go on."

"Nope."

"But it was a stupid place to leap you to. Rimeshire is below twenty on a good day. We almost lost you."

 _Really?_

"How long has it been?"  
"A day and a half, give or take."

"Dex, cold I ask a favour?"

"Sure."

"Can I stay a while?"  
"As long as it takes."


	15. How Bad It Can Get

_Imparter 00126974 Owner: Vacker_Avery_Fitzroy_

 _Send to: Imparter 33498127 Owner: Foster_Elizabeth_ Sophie_

 _Time/Date: June 22, 12:34 am_

 _Elwin gave me these pills for pain once, and i took them cuz im feeling pain again, but not physical pain mental pain, so i took like ten and now everything is blurry colours. I don't know. Why did I let you leave, Sophie?_

 _Then I cut myself. It looks like the flower tattoo on your wrist. We match. There's blood on the carpet. Lots of blood._

 _I don't know why im telling you this. I guess someone needs to know how bad it can get._

 _It doesn't feel bad right now, though. Maybe that was the beer. Or the pills. Or the pain. I dont know anymore. Dont tell anyone, sophie. No one can know. They'll take me away._


	16. Author's Note

**I have gotten a few comments that this story is 'mimicking' or 'copying' Project Moonlark's _Give Me A Reason._ It was said that I got inspiration from this story, but the plot line is completely different. If you have read _Give Me A Reason,_ you will know that it is about Sophie not being able to contact Fitz, and the troubles that she has when he leaves. _When I Still Knew You_ is completely different, it is a story about Sophie coming back and helping Fitz, the rocky track that they are trying to follow, the fact that Wonderboy isn't always perfect. Just wanted to point that out.**

 **Thank you for everyone's sweet comments!**

 **~Alder3049**


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